HUMOR

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A businessman looks at schools “If I ran my business the way you operate your schools, I wouldn’t be in business very long!” I stood before an auditorium filled with outraged teachers who were becoming angrier by the minute. My speech has entirely consumed their precious 90 minutes if in-service. Their initial icy glares had turned to restless agitation. You could cut the hostility with a knife. I had represented a group of business people dedicated to improving public schools. I was an executive at an ice cream company that became famous in the middle 1980’s when People magazine chose our blueberry as the “Best Ice Cream in America.” I was convinced of two things. First, public schools needed to change; they were archaic selecting and sorting mechanisms designed for the industrial age and out of step with the needs of the emerging “knowledge society.” Second, educators were a major part of the problem; they resisted change, hunkered down in their feathered nests, protected by tenure and shielded by a bureaucratic monopoly. They needed to look to business. We knew how to produce quality. Zero defects! Total quality management! Continuous improvement! In retrospect, the speech was perfectly balanced—equal parts ignorance and arrogance. As soon as I finished, a woman’s hand shot up. She appeared polite, pleasant—she was, in fact a razor-edged, veteran high school English teacher who had been waiting to unload. She began quietly, “We are told, sir, that you manage a company that makes good ice cream.” I smugly replied, “Best ice cream in America, ma’am.” “How nice,” she said. “Is it rich and smooth?” “Sixteen percent butterfat, “ I crowed. “Premium ingredients?” she inquired. “Super-premium! Nothing but triple-A.” I was on a roll. I never saw the next line coming. “Mr. Volmer, “ she said, leaning forward with a wicked eyebrow raised to the sky, “when you are standing on your receiving dock and you see an inferior shipment of blueberries arrive, what do you do?” In the silence of that room, I could hear the trap snap. I was dead meat, but I wasn’t going to lie. “I send them back.” “That’s right!” she barked. “And we can never send back our blueberries. We take them big, small, rich, poor, gifted, exceptional, abused, frightened, confident, homeless, rude, and brilliant. We take them with ADHD, junior rheumatoid arthritis, and English as a second language. We take them all! Every one! And that Mr. Vollmer is why it’s not a business. It’s school!” In an explosion, all 290 teachers, principals, bus drivers, aides, custodians, and secretaries jumped to their feet and yelled, “Yeah! Blueberries!! Blueberries!” And so began the transformation. Since then, I have visited hundreds of schools. I have learned that a school is not a business. Schools are unable to control the quality of their raw material; they are dependent upon the vagaries of politics for a reliable revenue stream, and they are constantly mauled by a howling horde of disparate, competing customer groups that would send the best CEO screaming into the night. None of this negates the need for change. We must change what, when, and how we teach to give all children maximum opportunity to thrive in a postindustrial society. But educators cannot do this alone; these changes can occur only with the understanding, trust, permission, and active support of the surrounding community. The most important thing I have learned is that schools reflect the attitudes, beliefs, and health of the communities they serve; and therefore, to improve public education means more than changing our schools, it means changing America. “You take the high road, and I’ll take the low. That way there’ll be an adequate amount or real estate between us.” The wisdom of Trof, His own self.

BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER Kidnappers are not very interested in you. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. No one expects you to run into a burning building. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy won't wear out. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m. You can live without sex but not without glasses. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You sing along with the elevator music. Your eyes won't get much worse. Your joints are more accurate that the National Weather Service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. People send you this list.

The Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following: = Monday = Beat around the bush Jump to conclusions Climb the walls Wade through the morning paper
 * Holiday Workout Program **

= Tuesday = Drag my heels Push my luck Make Mountains out of molehills Hit the nail on the head

= Wednesday = Bend over backwards Jump on the Band Wagon Run around in circles

= Thursday = Advise the President on how to run the country Toot my own horn Pull out all the stops Add fuel to the fire

= Friday = Open a can of worms Put my foot in my mouth Start the ball rolling Go over the edge

= Saturday = Pick up the pieces.

= Sunday = Kneel in prayer Bow my head in thanksgiving Uplift my hands in praise Hug someone and encourage them.

Whew! What a workout!

Stephen Wright Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?' Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. What's another word for Thesaurus? You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

NOT READY FOR PARENTHOOD? You're not ready to be a parent unless you can pass the following tests: Final assignment: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
 * //Mess test// -- Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in a wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
 * //Toy test// -- Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake the little ones at night).
 * //Grocery store test// -- Borrow one or two small goats and take them grocery shopping with you. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
 * //Dressing test// -- Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
 * //Feeding test// -- Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Tie jug to ceiling fan blade. Turn fan on. Try to insert spoonfuls of oatmeal into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. When finished, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
 * //Night test// -- Fill a small cloth bag with about 10 pounds of sand. Soak the bag in warm water. At 8pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4am. Set alarm for 5am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
 * //Physical test// -- (women) Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
 * //Physical test// -- (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest grocery store and do the same. On the way home purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

The Teacher Applicant ;-)

The Teacher Applicant After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching Prospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right: "You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their Dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning. "You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases,and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride. "You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. "You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of Antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams. "You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card". "You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. "You want me to do all this and then you tell me...

"I CAN'T PRAY?"

"Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions: 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Mostly to clean the house. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
 * Why did God make mothers? **
 * How did God make mothers? **

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
 * What ingredients are mothers made of?**

1. We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
 * Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?**

1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice.
 * What kind of little girl was your Mom?**

1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
 * What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?**

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
 * Why did your Mom marry your dad?**

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
 * Who's the boss at your house?**

1. Moms works at work & works at home, & dads just go to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. 4. Moms have magic. They make you feel better without medicine.
 * What's the difference between moms and dads?**

1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
 * What does your Mom do in her spare time?**

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
 * What would it take to make your Mom perfect?**

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
 * If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?**

THE MOMMY TEST

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "  Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart. "Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, ** "without you we are but dust..." ** He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?" Church was pretty much over at that point...